apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
