GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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