TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
