Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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