I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
