I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
