You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
