your thong is hanging out like whoa
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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