i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
