i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
