I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
