this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize