My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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