I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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