You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
