i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
