sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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