He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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