you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
it's like heaven, but drunker
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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