i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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