I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
