I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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