I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
