I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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