we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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