I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
