last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Farmville is her only friend.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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