When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
