When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
