mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
is that a dick in a sweater?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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