Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
