I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You ate ashes out of my bong
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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