i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
