just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
