the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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