Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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