i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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