I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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