Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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