Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
