hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
