whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
