Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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