Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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