I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
