My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
