btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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