I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
