No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
