Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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