My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
