I should be sponsored by Trojan
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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