Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
