I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
