I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize