you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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