I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
This baby is an asshole
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize