Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We are two peas in an std pod
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
