so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
