My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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