Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I will die if light touches me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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