Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
