saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
